It’s Christmas Eve tonight, and I’m pretty much all alone - my brother is on his way to Mexico with his in-laws, friends are at various family functions, and anyone else I know that doesn’t celebrate has seemingly forgotten about me!
Christmas is happy for a lot of people, and for some not so much. For me, this year is “not so much.” I had a rough year, and there were definitely times that I did think “I’m just so exhausted from dealing with everything on my own, and I can’t do it anymore.” But whenever that would enter my mind, I would turn to ball of fluff lying next to me, and immediately smile. You see, on a very cold, snowy, grey January day in New York, almost 4 years ago, unemployed and depressed, I did something I had been wanting to do for years…became a mom… a dog mom, that is!
For as long as I can remember, I longed for a dog. I’m sure this longing was wrapped up in the fact that I never had kids, had a very fractured childhood and had been alone for a long time. Working 12-hour days for an advertising agency made it impossible for me to have something that would be so dependent on me - how could I leave a puppy alone for so long every day – it didn’t seem right, and I would feel guilty every day.
As I lay in my bed that cold January day four years ago trying to decide what to do with my life, I knew the time to become a family of 2 was here. All my life, I was very happy and content living alone, but inwardly I longed for live and to love something...unconditionally. I didn’t know if I could be responsible for another living thing, and it scared me. I had friends that would say “you’re going to be tied to home,” or “you’ll never be free again.” I was ok with this - I was 51 years old - if I stayed out till 11pm I was happy. I knew getting a puppy would drastically change my life, and I was ready for the change – little did I know exactly how much my life and myself would change from said puppy.
After an exhaustive search on puppy find websites, I found a breeder that had adorable Shih Tzu/Bichon - these dogs are called “Shichons,” or “Teddybear” dogs. I immediately saw a picture of a 5-week-old girl named “Pepper” - she was white with brown spots on her torso and around her eyes and she had a look about her that said, “take me!” I fell in love right then and there – I put a deposit on her and arranged for her to fly into Newark Airport on February 13th when she was 8 weeks old. Originally, I had in mind to name her “Bella,” but when a friend said to me “there is no way you can name her Bella – that is the number one girl dog name!” After looking it up, I realized it was true and, anyway, looking at Pepper’s picture, she didn’t seem like a “Bella,” so Lola it was.
As I was nervously waiting for February 13th to arrive, I was alternatively petrified of a) keeping Lola alive, and b) worried that she was going to be boring with no personality. So, when I drove to Delta Cargo on that 10-degree day I had no idea what to expect. I showed the attendant my paperwork and ID and a few minutes later he came out with a little travel crate. I opened the door and inside was this little 2-pound ball of fluff that came out to me right away. I wrapped her up in my coat, got in the car where she started crawling all over me – as if she had known me forever. After 5 minutes I was in love and knew I did not have a boring dog.
I likened being a dog mom to the same as a human mom, in that you’re never really 100% prepared for how much your life will change, and you really have no idea what you’re doing in the beginning.
For instance, I had no idea that puppies sleep…a lot…like newborn babies. The second night I had Lola, my niece was with me and a friend came over to see her. Lola was very lively, running around my apartment and playing, etc. and then she basically passed out. I thought she was dying, and made my friend watch her while I raced to the drug store to get a rectal thermometer to check her temperature, which I then made my friend stick up her butt. After assuring me that she was ok, I finally believed her and realized that having an 8-week-old puppy was exactly like having a baby – and I was completely clueless.
I also would wake Lola up in the middle of the night to go potty on her pad, since I read that puppies need to pee every 3-4 hours. Every night I would take her out of my bed and put her on the pad in my living room. I would look at her and gingerly repeat “go potty on the pad” about 20 times a session. Lola would just sit there and star at me, with her big black eyes, that I knew were saying “what are we doing out here at 3am? Finally, after about what seemed like an eternity, she would give me a pity pee just so we could go back to sleep.
There was also the time, I put a 3-pound dog in my bath tub to bathe her instead of just putting her in the kitchen sink – the poor thing was holding on for her life - I’m not sure who was crying more during this process.
All of this is nothing compared to the angst and agony of buying food for your new fur baby. When I was growing up, dogs ate Purina or Alpo – either dry or wet - and that was really the only choice you had to make. Now, when you go to your pet store you are met with row after row of food options – there’s dry, wet, raw, semi-raw, freeze dried, frozen, refrigerated, dehydrated, limited ingredient, etc. And, lest I forget, it absolutely must be grain free. Yes, just like us, dogs are not allowed to eat carbs either. My head was spinning as I wandered around Petco – I wanted to feed my baby the best puppy food but had no idea what was best. I became obsessed with dog food and surveyed every dog owner I met as to what they fed their dogs.
Through all this, Lola thrived and I managed to not feed her grapes, onions, macadamia nuts, chocolate and other various death traps for dogs – we lived through her having a parasite at 10 weeks, a sore bum after getting her first vaccinations, getting spayed, where I cried like a baby when I had to drop her off, and the nightmare of dropping her off at the groomer the first time where her cries at being separated for me still reverberate in my head. It was torture hearing my little girl cry at being separated from me, but it must be done. Just like mom’s have a hard time dropping their offspring off at nursery or daycare for the first time, dog moms are no different. Our dogs become our babies – we love them, nurture them, teach them, play with them, sleep with them, comfort them – just like humans. The bond is the same.
We had become a team - I relied on her as much as she relied on me, and in short order she became my best friend. I take her everyplace with me - planes, trains, automobiles - we’ve done it all. My family and friends think I’m crazy sometimes because she is always with me, but I’ve come to rely on her companionship as much as she relies on me to take care of her needs every day; and besides, I meet a lot more people with her, than without her. For someone who lived alone their entire adult life, I finally realized how important it is to love something unconditionally and be loved in return. Whether it’s from a dog, cat, human – it fills you up and nourishes you. You become a family unit like any other.
Whenever times get shitty, and believe me, I’ve had some crappy days this year, all I have to do is walk in my door and hear the pitter patter of four feet coming towards me like she hasn’t seen me in years, look at her adorable little face, and I instantly forget my troubles and smile. I never felt love like this, nor have I ever given love so unconditionally - It fills me up every day, and I can’t imagine living without it now.
With Lola I’m never alone anymore – yes, I do not travel as much or go out as much – but that’s ok because I can’t even remember what life was like before the joy of loving a dog came into my life.
