And to top it off, I was 50 years old and single! If there is anything worse than being 50 and single, I don't know what it is? I didn't feel sexy anymore - I felt old! Let's be honest - dating is hard enough in your 30's and 40's - dating in your 50's has to be misery. Let's face it, it's a young world out there. It's a fact that men are genetically programmed to be attracted to women who are in their child bearing years - as men are blessed with the gift of being able to procreate until they are basically dead. Even in they don't particularly want children, they want to be with someone who can have them. That's the way it is - you're pretty much screwed if you don't meet your mate by the time you are in your mid-40's. It used to be you were screwed if you didn't meet someone by the time you were 30, but things have gotten better for women, and now we have until our early 40's at least. It's not much, but it's something.
At the last minute, I had reluctantly organized a small dinner for my family and some friends. A lot of people who I had wanted to be there, let me down. My cousins had tickets to some concert, one of my best friends from England could not afford to come over, one friend had just had a baby and one of my oldest friends canceled the day before for some crap reason. Sitting around the dinner table with friends and family I realized how alone I was. I had no parents, no boyfriend, no husband. I had just moved back to NY from Delaware and was living in a crappy apartment in Harlem. Looking around this table I realized that I was not special to anybody. I had nobody who I was their #1. It was probably the saddest day of my life.
I would keep asking myself, what have I accomplished in the past 30 years? What was I going to do with the next, hopefully, 30 or 40? You really have a moment where you look back while trying to figure out the way forward. I was never really happy in my job, and all of a sudden I knew that was not good enough any more. I didn't want to live the rest of my life clocking in the hours and not deriving any satisfaction from it. But, on the other hand I did not have a clear alternative path to take.
So, I started taking anti-depressants - they helped a little, but I still was not the "old" me that I knew so well. I knew I had to get out of this funk - that I could not live the rest of my life feeling like this. It wasn't me, and I was not prepared to deal with this for the long term.
It's amazing the wealth of information you can find on the internet - on any given subject. I researched HRT like a girl gone wild. And, of course, I turned to every girl over 45's best friend, Suzanne Sommers. Suzanne has been touting the benefits of bio identical hormones for years, and you know what? Her book was a wealth of information, and totally clued me in as to what was going on with my body and the fact that I was not going nuts. Suzanne is in her 60's and she claims, still getting it on with her hubby numerous times a week. Sounds good to me!
Armed with a ton of knowledge on the pros and cons, I went to my gyn to discuss hormone replacement, and you know what I found out? Western doctors do not want to have anything to do with this phase of a women's life. They all refer to the 2002 HRT study that claimed hormone replacement therapy caused increased rates of breast cancer, heart disease and stroke. Every doctor has the same line "we really don't recommend it unless your symptoms are very, very bad." What? So, I have to basically be completely depressed, where I'm ready to kill myself before you will even discuss this with me? Crazy, you say - but this is the attitude of doctor's when it comes to dealing with menopause - "just suffer" or put your life in jeopardy by taking hormones. If men went through this, you can bet there would be something safe that they can take to get them through it. I mean, they found a way to give a guy an erection lasting maybe 4 hours before they were able to find a cure for breast cancer, ovarian cancer or any type of cancer for that matter.
Needless to say, I finally found my way to a fantastic doctor that specializes in health for women in their 40's, 50's, and 60's. She even refers to me as one of her "younger" patients, which I love. She put me on a regime of estrogen and progesterone and with days, I was feeling better. You never appreciate estrogen as much as when you don't have that much.
I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life and how to find fulfillment. I'm going on line so I can start dating again, and starting to take chances that I did not do in my 30's or 40's. I always played it safe and thought happiness and fulfillment would find me. But, turning 50 made me realize that I have to go out and find it, and if I don't make changes soon it might be too late. I guess that is one benefit to turning 50 - you realize your time here is finite and you need to take charge of your own happiness.
